A year can change many things. Actually what I'm realizing is that in a moment things can change. I can be working and something will rise up in my heart that is disgusting and perverse and have no idea where it came from. It's heart wrenching to know what the enemy can do with someone when they are not on steady ground. My emotions as of late, are that of a pre-teen. I can't seem to shake it but I am determined not to let the enemy get any part of me or to slyly move anymore into my selfish heart. In the past if I was feeling at all powerless, I would gratify my flesh by any means possible. Praise The Lord that this isn't what I go to anymore. I rely on Jesus to fill the empty parts of my heart. My firm foundation, my deliverer, my portion, my strength, my rock. This is what He has been to me in the past and this is what He will forever be to me. I don't need to drink myself into a mindless hole and I dont need to get my fix by kissing my feelings away. It doesn't work like that anymore. That is the hopelessness that use to consume a life separated by God. The old man is dead and it's time to dig deep and endure because I know that joy comes in the morning. When I am not self-seeking, there is so much joy in my Father. He delights in me and I am His beloved. Where else can I find rest and truth but in Him. I know that as life changes, the living God that I serve will never change and I want to faithfully trust that He will be my constant. I will not let the emotions of this week or today or any day dictate my life.
No sin is worse than the sin of self-pity, because it removes God from the throne of our lives, replacing Him with our own self-interests. It causes us to open our mouths only to complain, and we simply become spiritual sponges— always absorbing, never giving, and never being satisfied. And there is nothing lovely or generous about our lives.